A Slimy Education Part 1

This is the story of what happened Tuesday. This is a record that is often incomplete- and frequently deliberately vague in certain circumstances. Also, by the way, just FYI I sometimes cuss at my dictation software. It pisses me off and the language helps. But if you see something like "you damned machine," it's because I've had to respell the same word three times because it keeps picking up something that seems like something most people would say as opposed to something that I end up wanting to say. It keeps hearing things like "a million" when I've clearly said "Vermilion." It's a pigment made from mercury. I haven't made my own but I have friends who have. I have made several pigments of my own in addition to doing a lot of dying of silk using chemical dyes. I've written articles. There's a different blog.

But I had a terrible emotional crash that ended up resulting in basically a mild psychotic break in 2013, that part of me broke and I did not do a truly creative thing (with a few revival efforts and rally attempts that were worthwhile but still didn't have the fire under them that I used to do) for 10 years. A decade of emotional numbness. My studio room looked more and more like an episode of "Hoarders: Crazy Artist Edition." And then in 2023 I discovered psilocybin mushrooms and walked out of a decade of treatment resistant depression like it was an old coat that I finally realized no longer fits me. Two years later, and I'm still dealing with the aftermath. 

My husband walked up and flicked my lights. I'm leaning forward talking quietly but steadily into my phone, and he wants to know who I'm talking to. I say my phone. I'm dictating. He says I know and he has gotten long Stoner texts from me about deep and meaningful things and sometimes a deep and meaningful thing will be 10 to 12,000 words. No hint of a lie. I have to EXPLAIN. I have been a creature of words since I was very small. I spoke and read and wrote early I had a vocabulary that many adults wouldn't match when I was 10 or 11 and I had to get special permission to go check out books that I wanted to read in the library because I needed to know about the natural history of damsel flies and dragonflies more than I wanted to know about the natural history of Spot and Jane. I was exceptionally blessed that I had a smart and understanding librarian who would sit with me for half an hour and ask me to read from the books that I wanted to check out so that I could demonstrate my understanding of their concepts, and if I could understand a book and explain something in a paragraph to her, I got the book. I was that kid. When he hits high school, that kid often doesn't get laid. I was in the library in the morning, instead of flirting with girls (hadn't yet discovered boys). It doesn't tend to be a psychological type that engages easily with others, and although I had a girlfriend in high school and lost my virginity and went to prom...  it was not nearly as fun and delightful as it appeared to be for friends of mine. Not that I'm saying that the sex wasn't fun, but there was so much overhead baggage that I was unable to process because of the fact that I didn't know I'm autistic, OR gay. Or how would I say that I didn't then know that I was autistic. Sophomore year, a friend decided to "pull me out of my shell," and I was taught by her and her theater buddies to consciously to watch body language and to carefully manage appropriately friendly and non-aggressive eye contact. All the way up through my second year of high school I had two speeds. I was either mumbling toward my hands with only the occasional peek to see if you were still there, or I was looking you directly in the eye and often not blinking for a minute or more at a time, as I explained at excited high speed how fascinating something was or read someone one of my elaborately crystalline poems. 

(to my correspondent, Marx from Scruff): One thing I would like to ask for is permission to use portions of your side of the conversation. I don't name anyone and I wouldn't put things like your photos in there without permission specifically but in this conversation part of my point is that it is a conversation. I like the fact that my blog posts read like chats because they are chats. This is a an explanation to an individual who gets how I think. And it doesn't make me less wordy and it doesn't make me less weird but it allows me an informality of tone that a lot of people won't even realize I'm changing because my informal tone seems so formal to some people. I use semicolons. I'm amazed that it actually allowed me to write that word out because so often with words like the one you use at the end of the sentence, it will automatically make the punctuation mark because I am dictating the commas and dictating the question marks.??,. How funny. 

The models are improving. It had real difficulty telling the difference between me discussing a period of time and using the full stop. But now it gets it. I can't make it mess up. That's nice. Because. Is a word that I will use haha. I got you. Amuses me sometimes to put one over on the computer. But I will discuss something like a geological period and I just watched it literally insert the DOT first and then instantly flip it back. Did you see the bit on the interview with Trump where the live-closed-captioned broadcast was talking about how much he loves minors? But the story was talking about miners. People who dig in the dirt for minerals. And you can literally see the teleprompter going oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck and backing it up and erasing lines. Live on television. It could not have been better. 

Marx From SCRUFF: Yeah of course you can but I can just let you talk I think that’s kinda what you want/need from me haha

Absolutely. I need a listening ear more so than I need a sounding board. But if there is something that intrigues or turns you on or you have a related comment that you think would be irrelevant and interesting angle. I love having that shit included. And you'll notice in some of the other ones I have left them in rough text format so that you see the back and forth of the conversation and not a lot of cleanly paragraph writing. This I will be probably more cleanly paragraphing and editing down for content etc. So what you have will be a draft. I call it the alpha read. An alpha reader. Because it's not in beta at that point; I haven't done the redesign work. Although I will frequently send the videos to you via WhatsApp, because that allows me to send them from my computer and not have to fuck with the tiny buttons on this phone to do the editing and the formatting. It allows me to use the computer to edit so that I can trim and reframe and things like that more easily than I can with the phone. There are still some things that I do on the phone because they're easier but once they're transformed into the lower resolution video that I upload it's much easier to handle it on the PC.

And the other thing that will happen is that as I get these posts put up I will put things on Blue sky and on x with snippets of the same video and links to the post. I will also do things like put up a video snippet of the same guy that I'm fucking this time from four times ago because some particular hot thing that happened, like when I grabbed Thiago by the jaw and swung him on my dick [see also: Circus Sex.] will probably show up in here, because it's a callback. Some of the video tonight is absolutely scorching. It is really really hot and I'm pleased with how it came out. Some of it is weird. Some of it is both. The ones that are both are my favorites. 

I get self-conscious about my fat belly, and that informs some of my feeling that some of the video is not as hot as I wish it was. I don't feel like my belly is aesthetic, if that makes sense. I am blessed to have a few but vocal belly fans, and one beautiful little ginger pornstar in particular makes me feel like posting my belly is an act of hotness rather than something to feel awkward about. But I do recognize that some of the stuff would be likely to get more generalized attention if it was a muscle belly instead of a fat belly. And fuck that part of my brain that wants to undermine my confidence. I'm not into body shaming. I have to say I have gotten to really enjoy young and muscular men and I think that that is something that has been going on since before we were monkeys. The dominant stallion gets lots of Mares. I like playing with a wide variety of types. 

I don't think that you have to be lean and muscular and strong to be hot. Far from it. But there are definitely things that I can do with a lean muscular fuckboy that I have difficulty doing with a soft-bodied guy who weighs more than I do. (I'm six-one, 230, for those of you who're curious). I'm working on losing some of the weight, because my body is hurting a lot. I pretty much give zero fucks about "being skinny," it's about the way my knees and back and feet feel. The way I get out of breath the top of the stairs. Anyway, I tend to leave at least some of this shit in, because I think that it's important that people see a normalized conversation around things like body issues, shame, ageism, etc. I have certainly enjoyed plenty of hot sex with guys older than me. I had a whole post that was wrapped around this one couple in September and the hot young one was I think three years my senior, and his partner was more than a decade older than me. But there is just something to be said for a wide-eyed, young, inexperienced, cute full-of-cum 22 year old. 

I have some amazing conversations with guys that I will likely never meet because I present myself as the kind of older authoritative male figure that will not only help you stretch your hole out, but will help you understand the way your body feels and what's going on. There's a sexy college wrestler who wrote to ask me about choking because he'd seen me mentioned choking in my profile and he had been choked out with a headlock and woke up with a hard on. He wanted to know if that was normal. I will probably actually be asking my doctor friend for specific detail, but my understanding is that it's normal and has to do with the relaxation of the inhibition reflex that makes you scared rather than erotically aggressive in combat situations. Back to the activation of the sympathetic nervous system again. I'm pretty sure that it's tied up in there somewhere.

But anyway if I'm quite lucky, he's going to send me a video of him jerking his cock while asking his question. He's training for an Ironman. He's a young golden god. And the difference between the relationship that I have with younger men and the kind of thing that has been happening on Epstein's island with Trump and all of those horrible fuckwads, is that they are not training and nurturing and engaging with those girls, they are violating them and teaching them horrible lessons about consent and body autonomy and who you have to do things for and how much you have to be careful. This shit gets political, sorry. If you're jerking off to my stuff and there's a red hat next to the white hood in your closet, you probably have a lot of thinking that you haven't been doing. I will sometimes actually recite as I am throat fucking someone, a whole little discourse about the importance of consent because the thing that makes this hot is the fact that we are consenting. Both guys are having fun. Even in a situation where we're playing around with consent and we are doing something like consensual non-consent where you can beg me to stop and tell me it hurts and tell me your parents will find you and all of this stuff while I am hitting you and not stopping when you beg because you haven't dropped the lacrosse ball. It's orange.

I'm going to have to get some extra lacrosse balls. Not only are they good for rolling back and forth under the ball of your foot to stretch your arch out, they are a perfect thing for nonverbal consent management. I've gone through it in several videos, showing new guys how to handle it. Especially if you're going to do something like choke someone out, you've got to find a way that they can reliably communicate their condition if they're unable to speak. Dropping the ball is tapping out.

Marx From SCRUFF: I want to say I think you are very very sexy belly and all and you don’t even have that much of a belly, and actually thought you wouldn’t like me because of my belly (For the record - Marx has a really cute boy belly. It's like the belly I had, and was self-conscious about, when I was in my twenties. He's a good looking young man.)

So. This past Tuesday. Once I'm settled, the lights for the night all in blue and UV, I want to play around some with the UV again, but less focus on it for the night than the week before [see also: Glowthroat]. I start my walk, and I see this beautiful thick-bodied dude in the sauna; he's backlit, and all I can see are his broad shoulders and his epic Spartan beard... so it takes me a moment to recognize Thiago [see also: What Are You, Boy?] (ooh... and got some chat messages from the amazingly sexy Derek Stone. He's going to be back in my plans again some time soon... he gets a whole evening of it being about him. I can bring in other guys to help fuck him, but he needs a lot of attention. I'm not saying this in any deprecating way - he's a thirsty, thirsty sponge, soaking up all the erotic energy I can pour into him, and he's SO FUCKING HOT he is worth it. Touching him is a pleasure.)

(There will be the occasional long parenthetical explanation... and sometimes I forget to close them. I usually, but not always, fix that. I'm sorry if it's confusing in draft.) But... I see Thiago. He's gone all Leather Title Daddy, competing in the stud show pageants and getting all snazzy in black cow and zippers and straps. I'll ask if he's up for me posting one of those pictures - I don't want to taint his title with too much taint, as it were. You'll see a lot of his asshole this evening. (he said yes - to the left there!)

I kiss him a little, and stroke his cock as he's sitting on the top tier of the sauna benches. It's really thick, and has a slightly different texture than I remember - like his foreskin slips less than it used to. I ask if he's had it plumped up, and apparently he's been playing around with that - the girth is astonishing, but I miss the slick sliding feel of his natural uncut cock in my hand and my throat. I bet it's hot fucking ass. He's bigger around than me when he's fully hard now, although he spends a lot of the evening being semi-tumescent because I'm playing with so many other senses. And working his hole really hard.

I trade places with him, and we put on even more of a show as I shove his head down on my cock and he obligingly snorts and retches. After a couple of minutes, we're both overheated, and agree to go to go my room.

Then, after Thiago heads off for a round of shower-and-sauna, I play around some with the neon petal dust.

Next time I see him we're going to have an on-camera discussion about the fact that the main reason this shit seems so hot... is how close you are to death. You're playing close to the bull. Your body starts mobilizing all kinds of last-minute super strength and hyper-aware perception - it's trying to save your sorry ass from getting killed. This is the hot part. 

Marx from SCRUFF: Yeah I think a lot of doms are into that kinda stuff.

But a lot of them don't know what the fuck is going on. Or they know it only indirectly... there are many doms who understand how to handle things, without understanding the underlying mode of action. But I feel like understanding the mode of action, makes me not only a better dom than I was before the learning, but also better able to keep a bottom in a space that is both actually and apparently safe (that is, something that looks out for his physical well-being, while also helping him feel more comfortable...) and THIS is where I come to the Dominant's Pendulum. There's a whole post on it. I talk about it again and again. Do a text search at the top of the page on the blog, and you'll find me taking guys through it. Breath play takes them to the scary place - and then I make sure they kno…

A line I want to remember. I do this... I'll kind of ideate around a bit of video that I think would be EVEN HOTTER if... so I want to throat-fuck that boy again with the beautiful furry chest and hole... the one I opened with the speculum... I want to hold him down on my cock and say, "Say Please Sir you're hurting me.  (unintelligible noises) "say I didn't want this." (grunting and moaning) "Say Please, Daddy, I'm only fourteen." 

This beautiful boy, twenty-two years old, wants to find out what it feels like to gag, and to get spanked. These things haven't happened to him before. I tell him, I'm a good, safe person to try this out with - because you've seen where I stop and check in, again and again. 

I'm going to let the video speak for itself, this time around. 

OK... this boy is giving Bolder and Lance a run for their money on the "most slimy throat" title. 

THIS is the way you do this. This is consent and role play.

When I tell him that I'll do anything he wants - he tells me he's been curious to try a spanking. He'd never been spanked. He is a VERY good boy for me... and then he lets me split his cheeks with my cock and rub his hole with my uncut dickhead. I like doing this any chance I get with a sweet hairy boycunt.

OK. There's gonna have to be a Part 2... Daddy's tired, and there's a LOT of hot video, and a hot text-only adventure.