Craftsmanship fetish

 I have a craftsmanship fetish. 

Whatever I'm doing... I want even pen strokes, I want a perfect handprint on that bottom's ass cheek, I want nice even stitches on my embroidery, I want a boy's asshole to feel thoroughly and completely violated, his prostate milked until it needs a week of sleep. 

[And DAMMIT, I think this really is a D8 (legal THC) thing... I start thinking about jerking off, and my brain starts to think about THINKING ABOUT jerking off, and then it's off to the rambles again.]

And I think that part of it is because when I was a kid, I wasn't popular, I wasn't fast, I wasn't liked or accepted... but I was SMART. I was GOOD AT WHAT I DID. And so I could look at those things, and they were things I could control, and I focused my emotional satisfaction on making those things shine, on getting them to be award-winning, on being brag-worthy, on people giving me medals and attention and love.

And so now, not only can I take a craftsmanship-oriented approach to the actual sex-making part itself... understanding the anatomy and the physiology, and how to do a thing with my cock that both pleases my penis and delights his prostate, or how to manipulate a guy's adrenaline and acetylcholine with air hunger to make him panicky and super-excited and shaky so that he's flying, or how to drop him into unconsciousness with an innocent-looking thumb pinch while we're sharing deep breaths back and forth, and wake him back up with the deep hard fucking that Sleeping Beauty never got... but it also allows me to look at the emotional arc of the fuck, and see how it starts, how the pieces, all those moves and patterns and scenarios fit together, like laying out a picture or sewing a garment or a building a sculpture; I'm designing an experience out of time and actions, and I know that if I push a little bit -  say, I put two fingers into a guy's mouth and raise my eyebrows, and see how he reacts, then push just a little further; I've started the opening moves of a sequence called "I'm going to fuck you in the throat," to see how he reacts, what counter-offer he makes; and somehow the guy who seemed so vanilla five minutes ago leans forward and makes a nodding gesture so that my fingers slide down the back of his tongue, and he smiles and looks me in the eyes as he slowly and deliberately swallows twice, massaging my fingers like a python working its way down a mouse, and it's like a fucking dance, it's so beautiful. 

And so piece by piece, I create and direct and shepherd this experience as it goes together. I'm checking out which little scenario-ettes will work best with this particular partner, how he'll respond and what I should pull out next. My therapist (because, FUCK YES, I'M IN THERAPY -  it's important and helpful for me, and a lot of people, and I wish we could get over stigmatizing and shaming it, and celebrate people working on healing their shit) recently said, "You know... this sounds hot, but it seems like a lot of work." And yes - YES IT IS. It's hard work, and that's why it's worth doing, because I'm doing GOOD work, and I'm GOOD AT IT, and I'm putting in valuable effort, and I'm creating peak experiences. I'm in a flow state; I'm expanding and engaging my full capacity, doing my best, making it good as hard as I know how. I keep thinking to myself, "Wow, that was one of the hottest fucks of my life." It's getting to the point where I can't even reasonably curate the list, there are so many hottest fucks. Because I'm putting in time and effort and doing the best that I can to engage fully with the guys I'm hooking up with, and making it good for both of us. I've had so many guys tell me something to the effect of "Nobody's ever done that to me before" - and in more than a few cases, I've replied something like, "I've never done that before either. That was a thing I didn't even know that I would have enjoyed until I had it, but HOLY FUCK, that was awesome. Well done. Thank you for going there with me." 

It wasn't always even something I set out to do, but I listened to Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy and pushed to the Resilient Edge of Resistance, and then as the edge shifted, I pushed to the new edge. Right at the edge is where the juice is. It has taken me to some fucking AMAZING PLACES. And I went there with care, and attention to detail, and FUCKING CRAFTSMANSHIP. You don't just shove... you work your way in, pressing and pushing slowly, and after a while you can go MUCH further than the guy who shoved to start with. And I can tell, when I'm playing around at something like a sex party, who the other craftsmen are, who's put in the times and learned the skills and done the practice, practice, PRACTICE. They're not always flashy, they're not always the prettiest hunks - but they're competent and focused and intense in a way that shines through. I do my best to hook up with them when it's at all possible, because I know that we'll both work toward making it as beautiful and satisfying and mind-blowing as we can. At a party, I know that we'll make an amazing show - it will be hot to watch, like an experienced rider putting a dressage horse through its paces - but it will also be hot to BE the two of us. I'm crafting a situation in which I am playing Hot Daddy, and in this role I get the honor of making mad hot passionate fuck with Beautiful Submissive Boy, and not only am I getting to look down into his adoring worshipping eyes as he chokes and splutters around my cock, but I get this beam of attention from guys standing around having their own experiences, watching it happen, jerking their dicks, and I can feel the adoration hitting me like warm syrup. Domination is psychodrama. I get off on the feelings it gives my body, but I get off even more on the sensations it gives my mind. And I'm building and designing that with... skill, and care, and attention to detail.