No Tarzan. Jane.

At a party I went to a few weeks ago, there was a guy who I knew from years past; he worked with my husband at a job before the job before the one he's at now. Call him Jane. It's not his name, but he wasn't Tarzan any more after what you're about to read.

I'm all in my big-tough-top-dude persona that evening. I'm wearing my paper-thin armor of make-believe confidence, and I'm pretty much killing it. I'm feeling very popular and in-charge and on top of things and people. Grr. I was hot. I flogged a hot older daddy on the St. Andrew's Cross, showing the guys how it was done - Thwack, Thwack, THWACK, THWACK! I had a sexy pup come and ask me to give him some throat training, which I did - first by showing him with my fingers how his gag reflex was triggered, and how he could work to reduce its energy - looking me in the eye to focus his attention, and squeezing my hard cock in his hand to take his mind off of what was happing to the back of his tongue... and then with my dick. I had this sweet cute 25 year old boy taking my cock every which way possible until he was choking up the good slimy spit and covered in marks from my hands and my teeth (see also: Not-So-Lazy Susan). It was a GOOD night, and I was in a BIG top energy space. 

So Jane comes up behind me as I'm standing watching this muscle guy getting blown, and he leans over and kind of husky-whispers in my ear, like it was just for my personal attention, "So... I hear you're the bottom in your relationship." He's being all sneaky with it, like it's a dirty secret and I would lose my top cred if these guys knew I took it in the ass. So I look him in the eye and kind of turn my whole body toward him like a cobra rising up, and I take his hard cock in one hand, and I stroke it a few times... and, still staring him straight in the eye, I say, perfectly out loud... "Yeah... you're right, I'm the bottom most of the time at home. But... [slapping him hard in the nuts with the other hand] I'm not at home tonight. You know, [still continuing to stroke and fondle] you're really hot; I've always liked you. Tell you what -- You can fuck me, if you can top me and make me believe it. It's not about being super rough, it's not about being more dominant than me... it's just being genuine and confident and sure of yourself. You just have to REALLY own it. Do that, and you're the top. I'm properly prepared, and I'm ready. Honestly, I came here hoping to get fucked. In the sling, on the bench, whatever you say, Sir, my ass is yours. Go for it."

And he started in. We were standing together watching this big furry guy getting fucked in the sling, and he's up behind me, telling me how he's going to fuck me so hard, and breed my ass, and he's going to give it to me so good (you've seen Chester and Spike cartoons, right? The ones where the little dog bounces all over the much bigger dog?)... and as he's talking all this shit, rubbing his hard cock against the crack of my ass... he goes limp. His conversation kind of... peters out. He wanders away, apparently to revive his erection. He returns. 

And he does this again.

And again.

Finally... I just kind of patted him on the shoulder, and looked him in the eye and smiled and gave him a hug. And then I smacked him on the ass and then pressed my thumb into his asshole and massaged his prostate as we kissed goodbye, just because I wanted to make a certain point about who was driving the bus tonight. 

He's a nice guy. He's really handsome; he's got a lean, strong, beautiful body. He's got a really nice, long, thick dick... when it's hard. But he didn't have the audacity. He wasn't going to be in control; he wasn't a commanding charioteer for me to turn over the reins to. I wasn't being mean to him and making him try, either; I was rubbing on him and nuzzling him, kissing him and nibbling his neck and stroking his cock. He's a HOT guy. I wanted him to win. I really did want to get fucked; it often is the best way to get that additional orgasm. But he couldn't seem to believe that I was going to let him fuck me, here in front of everybody, or he didn't believe in himself enough to top me. I think I could have fucked HIM... I think several other options could have worked, but he just couldn't manage to push my "This man is a top who makes you want to bottom" button. It was as if he had thought as far as the slick whispered line that was supposed to break my spirit and make me feel weak and submissive, but hadn't considered me facing him squarely and upping the ante. 

I've gotten totally fuck-me horny for everything from tall lanky dorks to sweet small affectionate top guys - but they felt it all the way to their bones, and they really knew what they wanted. Sometimes it was even versatile guys, guys who could go either way... but they really KNEW, deep down, that they were going to fuck me, and they could look me in the eye and make it stick. Even if it meant "I want to fuck you TONIGHT," like it might be the other way around a different day. And with that understanding, that sense of "I'm hot to do this particular thing, TO YOU, because of this feeling I have in my body here," - you know they'll give good fuck. That desire awakens the answering flame. It's very much the same thing I can feel dancing with someone; within just a few bars of music as we're moving on the floor, I can tell where we are and aren't compatible, how the two of us balance together; I can frequently tell if one of us (usually the follow) will be able to adapt to the other. I lead something like 98% of the time. I get to follow rarely, and I cherish it when I do, and maybe 1 in 5 of those is a strong natural lead. Don't get me wrong - I do my very best to follow gracefully and effortlessly, but some guys have it, and some don't. If it's someone I feel instinctively that I can trust, I can literally follow, on the first dance, with my eyes closed. Not for the whole dance, but for several bars at a long lazy blink, moving around the floor, turning and dodging and weaving through other couples. It's an excellent test to see how they feel without the distraction of looking around, and sense how they move me through the patterns and guide me around obstacles. I can have a sense of how pleasurable and how... beautiful? I'm not sure there's really a word for it, but there's a thing that I feel that is something like "rightness," or "aptness" in a pairing of partners for sex or for dancing, but it's also a kind of "beautiful" in the sense in which a good scientific theorem or a mathematical proof is beautiful, and also in a very sensual right-brained sense of beautiful, where things align in a graceful arabesque. When it's right, it's right. We click. It's natural, there's chemistry, we fit together, we breathe in time, he smells good.  

I am striving to focus more on that kind of connection; to lean in more toward that intuitive, right-brained creative side of my brain when I'm in a sexual, sensual space. It has been rewarding me with some very powerful experiences, frequently combining amazing sexual sensations with significant psychological insights.

I love being a top. I love being a Dominant. It's a huge psycho-emotional thrill, and an amazing honor to have guys trust me like that, to offer their bodies and their submission, to let me open them and stretch their limits in so many ways and hurt them and pleasure them and push their buttons and make them fly. It's got so many powerful and intense physical sensations to go along with it, too - there are some AMAZING things that I get to do to guys, because of the way I do the sex. I make every effort to do it to the best of my abilities, and guys tell me that I do it well. But I love being a bottom, too - and I almost never get that chance. Part of it is that I'm not always set up for it - yeah, I know that tops do their work mostly in the moment, and bottoms do their work mostly beforehand in the shower - but if I have the opportunity, I go to any event like this one prepared for either possible option. If you run into me at a party, and you think you can convince me that you should top me, shoot your shot - it's entirely likely that I'll be game, if you're able to make it feel right in the moment.